Like this:

Something’s very wrong I tell you! Something’s very wrong! I just don’t get it. What am I suppose to do with all those Thank You cards; Birthday cards and Holiday cards that I receive throughout the year? What about the Get Well cards; Good Luck cards, Congratulations cards and every other occasion card that your friends and family toss in the mail to you. Don’t get me wrong. I’m always grateful when someone takes the time to select that perfect card and write a heartfelt message on it. It’s exciting to open up the envelope to see what’s inside (especially if it includes cash or check!). It’s because I am so grateful – that leads to all of my confusion. I think Hallmark should publish a book on Greeting Card etiquette? After all, we pay around five bucks for these mass produced pieces of cardboard – - they should at least include a set of instructions.

What am I suppose to do with all of these cardboard messages ‘after’ I’ve read them? I feel some sense of obligation! I can’t just throw them in the garbage, can I? That just doesn’t feel right. The sender took time out of their busy day to buy the card – to sit down and think of some wonderful and meaningful message to write – to address it – and to drive to the post office to mail it. Throwing it in my trash barrel with last nights left over fish and asparagus dinner doesn’t seem right. I just want to do the right thing here, but even Google searches fail me in this hour of need!

Should I be displaying this Hallmark greeting in some prominent spot inside my home?  How about on the front of the refrigerator door, held firmly in place by my bright yellow, pizza parlor magnet that I received absolutely free with our last takeout order?  This would be a perfect location. I would be reminded each and every time I reach in for my night time TV snacks, of just how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends. Or how about standing the card up on the fireplace mantle, in between the family photographs, and the framed picture of our upside down, sleeping Beagle? Where do you put these cards once you receive them?

I’m usually the one that opens all the mail in the house. Am I suppose to tell everyone in the family that we just received a card? Do I call my wife at work and inform her immediately? Do I text my children in college to let them know? How about if the card comes from some long lost relative you haven’t seen in years? Do I inform my extended family? Do I call Mom and tell her? Do I tell my sister? My brother? Or do I wait and tell the entire family all at once at the next big family cookout – “Hey everyone. Guess who sent me a Birthday card last week?”. I don’t think I can do that because what if I embarrass someone at the cookout who did NOT send me a birthday card or even remember that it was my birthday. I’m so confused!!!!!

What’s the rule on how long you are suppose to keep these things hanging around the house? After I read them, do I throw them away the same day? Do I toss them immediately with the rest of the junk mail, or do I wait a few hours? Do I wait a week? A month? Or do I casually lay the card on top of last nights newspaper so it is “accidentally” thrown into the trash? Usually, I just leave it on the kitchen counter for my wife to read and then proper disposal becomes her problem because after all – she was the last one to touch it.

And what about the dozens and dozens of Christmas cards that arrive at your home every year? It seems like most of these cards arrive with beautiful photographs of the family that sent them. Do I keep the families that I like and toss out the families that I don’t like? There should be a completely different set of rules for these customized, picture cards!! And what about those musical cards that sing some type of dorky song when you open it? And if receiving regular greeting cards through our traditional postal system wasn’t confusing enough, now we can receive computerized email greeting cards, complete with animated characters and musical backgrounds. AAARRGGHHH!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? Something’s very wrong I tell you! Something’s very wrong!

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